Dear beloved one,
You know how people introduce you to their family or their best friend when you’ve reached a significant place in their heart? Well, there is a place in my heart and soul protected by layers of walls that keep most people out. Sometimes I find someone worthy enough to let them in. No, its not the same as introducing you to a beautiful family or friends or relatives, it’s a hell of a different ride because I let you meet my monster.
I welcome you into my darkness and want to terribly show you what it looks like because I feel like you’re the candle that can light up the whole place. I forget that by lighting that place, you are also burning yourself down. Perhaps in the first instance you would feel honored that I open up to you, out of all people, that I trust you enough to be my genuine sad self. Soon enough, you would learn that my life is not actually the most beautiful garden to be in. It will tire you out in no time.
I will ask you to water the flowers that keep on wilting. I would confess to you when I feel like dying, I will tell you about ways I’d like to kill myself. I’d show you the scars from my self-harm hinting that you could have stopped me from doing so hadn’t you abandoned me when I needed you. That is my way of begging you to turn things around, to ask you to show me love or care. I would not do that to other people, I smile politely at the others and talk as if nothing ugly is brewing inside me, they see the artificial sun of my world but in front of you, all you see is that dark clouds. You will think that it is unfair that I unload all this burden on you, specifically you. You wouldn’t know how to help because nobody has taught you how to save a life. You don’t know how to be my hero but I treat you as if you are withholding the key to my happiness.
I manipulate you. If you don’t show me enough attention or abandon me, I want to make you worry. I disappear. While other people would think that I’m absent from work due to a flu, fever or laziness, your mind conjures up images of my lifeless body. I will wind you up and exhaust you. I will beg for things that you cannot give.
After what seemed like a long painful ride to you, you would decide to take a leave because you realize that it is not your job to save me. You realize that caring about me is one of the greatest torment. You are angry at me for not being able to see the pain I inflict on you because I’d be too absorbed in my own darkness and relationship with my monster. I make you feel guilty, as if you are the villain of my life even though my greatest pitfall or mistake is that I love you.
Yes, when you look back, you would see that meeting my monster was not the best gesture I had done for our friendship.